I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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