The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
