im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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