Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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