fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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