Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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