Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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