All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
