Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
