I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
