Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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