That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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