y did u give ur computer a hand job?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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