i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
