my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
