you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
