Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize