***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
