When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
