The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
