you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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