Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
