Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
