i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
