He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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