Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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