Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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