Define "chronic" masturbator.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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