Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
