Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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