Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
