i already hear my dad disowning me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
