Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
