he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
