i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
