I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
