it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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