I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
