Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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