She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You may now shotgun with the bride
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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