toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
