The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
