then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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