I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
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I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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