so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
