I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
