I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
