Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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