Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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