The maid of honor just puked.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Your cock deserves a montage
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
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We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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