We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
