Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
