life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
