I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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