fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
