please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have aggressive nipples.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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