Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
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Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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