omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
