Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
